How to be Affectionate to Your Pet Rock

You love your pet rock a lot, do you? Sometimes, do you just want to kiss it? You're in luck!
 * 1) Wash your pet rock. Bathe it really well. Make sure every germ and particle is gone. You don't want to get infected, do you?
 * 2) Pick up your pet rock. Talk about your feelings and how amazing it has been since the day you got them. This will make them more comfortable.
 * 3) When you're feeding them, use a romantic song. Any song with the word "love" is good. Rhinestone Eyes by Gorillaz is good because 1.) it's romantic and 2.) it has something to do with rocks/stones, which will make your rock feel good.
 * 4) Wash the rock again. This time, use tons of soap, and anything you could use to clean. Use perfume to make the rock smell good. Make sure the paint doesn't come off.
 * 5) Make sure nobody is watching. It will be very embarassing and hard to explain if someone does find you, as they don't understand and are probably jealous.
 * 6) Talk about how amazing your pet rock is. Don't go so far as to become creepy, because your pet rock might get weirded out and will not want to see you.
 * 7) Once you are absolutely sure your pet rock is comfortable, move your face closer and closer to it while talking about how amazing it is. Be sure it doesn't back away. If it does, you need to build up your relationship!
 * 8) Put your lips in a "kissing position" while aiming for the mouth of the pet rock. Say some inspiring words such as "you are my medicene when you're close to me".
 * 9) Finally, kiss your pet rock! Enjoy!

Tips

 * This will be the most powerful if it's at night, around candles, right before the rock goes to sleep.
 * If a romantic song happens to be a rock's favorite song, this can be all the more special. This can be harder for those with rocks that like metal or sad songs.

Warnings

 * If someone finds out about you kissing your rock, you can get in really big trouble and be made fun of.
 * If your rock doesn't love you enough, it might run away.
 * Don't french kiss with your rock. It has paint which isn't edible and is toxic!
 * Do NOT kiss your rock if it's in love with another rock or married. For single rocks, this kiss is best for friendly kisses, not romantic kisses. Rocks are better with other rocks. Besides, you two would have the strangest child!
 * Don't become a "rocksexual" and become attracted to rocks only. If this happens, see a therapist or doctor.